I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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