just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dignity is for republicans.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
