just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
