I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
