His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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