Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
