I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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