i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
