walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
