i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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