My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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