so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
