How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
