i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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