Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
how do you play pong handcuffed?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
