T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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