I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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