So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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