you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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