whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
