atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
