well I can't set my house on fire every night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you didnt know i had herpes?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
