i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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