I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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