I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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