TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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