you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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