Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I need to sanitize my soul.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
