Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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