i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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