I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize