shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
