I just pynch a tree in the face
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Vodka?
Forever.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
