I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
