i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
