When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
