when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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