Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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