She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
