If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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