YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
