I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
