He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
