Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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