The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
