You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
