I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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