Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
