Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
