I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The adults are the big ones right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
