It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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