he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Two words: nipple clamps
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