Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
