Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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