you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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