I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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