highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
