Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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