Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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