So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
