saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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