Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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