I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
